Here as promised.
So I woke up after having a night of very little sleep and made my way back to my most hated place on earth...TWL.
Nothing had changed in the six or so months since I had left. I met with the rudest man on the planet again, in his pulpit on reception. I asked where to go to start the Options course and he grunted without even giving me eye contact.
Anyway I got into the room where we were to discuss the course. All the way through the briefing we were constantly reminded of how our benefits could be taken away if we did not play by the books.
As today was a standard induction the staff did not really bother me, but the mentality of the learner terrified me. We had a young woman as our adviser and every time she spoke an almost echo like presence of crass sexual innuendo followed her. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed silent, in a protest of embarrassment for my fellow human beings.
The smell was also horrendous, people do not take pride in the well being any more and I have never cherished fresh air as much as when I left the building.
I once again have been given a time sheet, an even stricter one which I can be dismissed for making the slightest hicup on.
It also startled me how many older people are trapped in these courses with absolutely abysmal literary skills and they don't seem to be phased at all by it. Laughing and joking as they scribble the wrong details into clearly marked boxes. I hope I soon leave this dive as being head counted with this tragic flock keeps me awake at night.
The high point of my day here though was when we were handed out our one to one appointments. One young chap was not happy waiting as he wanted to go, it was almost joke like at first his frustration. The adviser played up to it and put him last in an almost comical teacher/pupil scenario. However it soon got sinister when he started raising his voice saying "Let me fucking go", "I can't fucking handle you" , "If I have to stay with you, I will go fucking savage". The icing on the cake was when he pulled a wad of cash from his trousers ( a lot more then I could ever hope for on the same benefits) and offered a bribe to the adviser, who by this time looked utterly disgusted. This answered my " are you happy with your life ?" question with a huge No.
At what point did I become eligible to be penned in with people like this ? "The point you didn't work!!" I hear you say....Believe me buddy, I reel off many CVs to many potential employers. At what point is it my fault if they are not replied too !
More from me tomorrow.....Job Search until placement.
Monday, 17 May 2010
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Gateway to Work - Part 3
Brilliant so after nearly two weeks of courses and the relentless Job Search, My time at the Detention Centre...I mean TWL was nearly over.
In the most un-cynical way possible though I have to admit my preconceptions of the fellow learners were pretty much shattered. By learners I mean the people who hadn't been chucked off for coarse language or not even showing up (Only people they are kidding is themselves, as they just get referred back). The people on the course ended up being sound as hell and actually a good laugh. From time to time I would show them little things on the computer so they wouldn't have to depend on the lecturers and be made to feel thumb small.
In the last couple of days we started to do group work. And one of our tasks was the benefits of working abroad. This made me chuckle and yet annoyed me at how pointless it was. They were talking about countries like Australia, Dubai and New Zealand. All of these countries demand skilled workers for them to be immigrants. If none of us can get unskilled jobs in this country, what chance do we have working abroad. For my groups presentation, we chose Italy. Initially looking for unskilled labour jobs, Imagine a Lancashire lad turning up for a job "on't site" in Turin, Italy. Wouldn't happen. So in my way I decided to "apply" for an unrealistic (well as unrealistic as anything else we could apply for).
Afterwards we had a debate on emigration and its pros and cons. Almost like real people, who's opinions actually mattered.
As I left the centre that evening I felt a vibration in my pocket, It was the manager of a local video game shop telling me I had got a job there. It was a brilliant feeling.
I worked solidly as a temp for the next couple of months, even seeing a couple of the guys I had been on the course with and having a chat to them. I knew it would come to an end though as it was only a temporary contract. Unlucky for me, I signed back on, a week out of the "freedom" deadline and I was whacked straight back onto the new deal. I have been pummelling CVs to everyone and anyone of recent but to no avail. One of which did land me an interview with a company on contract with Job Centre and a two day training course. Which I will be blogging about as it was hilariously bad. I will be starting my "Options" Course at TWL imminently which involves "volunteer work trials" for thirteen weeks. I have heard some awful horror stories and if I do not find work before then I will actually die a little inside. However its not all bad news as you will get DAILY updates of my inner death. You will know how jobless people are actually treated. I hope everyone reads it, as the people I have shown it to so far, do not quite believe me!
Peace out !
In the most un-cynical way possible though I have to admit my preconceptions of the fellow learners were pretty much shattered. By learners I mean the people who hadn't been chucked off for coarse language or not even showing up (Only people they are kidding is themselves, as they just get referred back). The people on the course ended up being sound as hell and actually a good laugh. From time to time I would show them little things on the computer so they wouldn't have to depend on the lecturers and be made to feel thumb small.
In the last couple of days we started to do group work. And one of our tasks was the benefits of working abroad. This made me chuckle and yet annoyed me at how pointless it was. They were talking about countries like Australia, Dubai and New Zealand. All of these countries demand skilled workers for them to be immigrants. If none of us can get unskilled jobs in this country, what chance do we have working abroad. For my groups presentation, we chose Italy. Initially looking for unskilled labour jobs, Imagine a Lancashire lad turning up for a job "on't site" in Turin, Italy. Wouldn't happen. So in my way I decided to "apply" for an unrealistic (well as unrealistic as anything else we could apply for).
Afterwards we had a debate on emigration and its pros and cons. Almost like real people, who's opinions actually mattered.
As I left the centre that evening I felt a vibration in my pocket, It was the manager of a local video game shop telling me I had got a job there. It was a brilliant feeling.
I worked solidly as a temp for the next couple of months, even seeing a couple of the guys I had been on the course with and having a chat to them. I knew it would come to an end though as it was only a temporary contract. Unlucky for me, I signed back on, a week out of the "freedom" deadline and I was whacked straight back onto the new deal. I have been pummelling CVs to everyone and anyone of recent but to no avail. One of which did land me an interview with a company on contract with Job Centre and a two day training course. Which I will be blogging about as it was hilariously bad. I will be starting my "Options" Course at TWL imminently which involves "volunteer work trials" for thirteen weeks. I have heard some awful horror stories and if I do not find work before then I will actually die a little inside. However its not all bad news as you will get DAILY updates of my inner death. You will know how jobless people are actually treated. I hope everyone reads it, as the people I have shown it to so far, do not quite believe me!
Peace out !
Gateway To Work - Part 2
OK, so after I have received the thrilling news a funeral parlour in St Helens (which I live no where near) has a clerical vacancy - three weeks ago, it was time to move on to the next sector of the course.
courses
Now these courses were to gain me and the others some skills for our CVs. The first course I attended was "Food Hygiene" now I learnt a lot from this. If you ever want to know about why crisps are tasteless if their is no gas in the bag or that beans are cooked in their cans in the factories, I am your man.
Now your probably thinking "Be quiet you scrounger, they government are teaching you skills". You weren't there, Shut up and I will carry on. A "course" on Food Hygiene is sitting in front of a power point presentation listening to anecdote after anecdote of the instructors personal experiences many not relevant. Then a the finishing touch of the exam. A thirty question multiple choice exam which we go through together to "ensure" a 100% pass rate. Food proprietors be careful your next employ could be the chap who scratching his balls and texting on his phone.
The next course I attended was First Aid. Again a mixture of anecdotes of domestic heroism and saving the day with the recovery position etc. I was happy at first as this was a more practical based course and I was learning about CPR and bandage tying. I am lousy at tying knots etc yet managed to pass it as I was told just "don't do it like that in a real emergency". Again we hurried through a group exam together, shouting out the answers in unison. Again be careful who you believe can save your life.
The third and final course I attended was "Health and Safety in the Workplace" this was my favourite course of them all, as in my eyes it was the most serious. Most of the guys on my course were there for manual labour jobs and this was the most applicable. In this course we got no work what so ever done, as we had a guest. A woman who was literally insane, who exposed herself numerous times to the amusement of the group. Sharing with us her "foam babies" and stories of being "gotten" in her cell. Her outbursts were comical yet tragic at the same time as she had not been put on any form of disability payment and was therefore in the maze of TWL. She clearly wasn't employable as a blind man could smell his way to her and a she would threaten members of the group with her phone throughout the day. Again the end was followed with an exam paper which we all shouted out the answers for. Of course she was just shouting anything and everything.
Also during the Health and Safety day it appeared we weren't the only ones in the company of someone's outbursts, the front panels of the reception door had been kicked in after a "learner" had not been getting the answers he wanted.
So that was my experience of earning three qualifications over the next week with Job Search in between, the brilliant part of it is, I have yet to receive two of the certificates and have been told when asking for them, I probably won't get them.
So if one day I have to do the GTW course again I will have to sit through all that shit again.
TWL is a truly unbelievable place, it almost has its own currency which are drinks tokens. Miniature gold coins for the hot drink machine. You are strictly rationed to four per day and pretty much have to beg if you are not offered. They have to be authorised. They are usually issued by the chap who sits behind the desk, who is categorically one of the rudest people I have ever met. He never gives you eye contact and will often carry on his own conversations and jokes with staff members whilst he is in conversation with you. The amazing thing is, he is the first aid officer of the building. I often wonder how far through a heart attack or how much my tongue would have to be rammed down my throat before he would get up off his arse and give a shit.
courses
Now these courses were to gain me and the others some skills for our CVs. The first course I attended was "Food Hygiene" now I learnt a lot from this. If you ever want to know about why crisps are tasteless if their is no gas in the bag or that beans are cooked in their cans in the factories, I am your man.
Now your probably thinking "Be quiet you scrounger, they government are teaching you skills". You weren't there, Shut up and I will carry on. A "course" on Food Hygiene is sitting in front of a power point presentation listening to anecdote after anecdote of the instructors personal experiences many not relevant. Then a the finishing touch of the exam. A thirty question multiple choice exam which we go through together to "ensure" a 100% pass rate. Food proprietors be careful your next employ could be the chap who scratching his balls and texting on his phone.
The next course I attended was First Aid. Again a mixture of anecdotes of domestic heroism and saving the day with the recovery position etc. I was happy at first as this was a more practical based course and I was learning about CPR and bandage tying. I am lousy at tying knots etc yet managed to pass it as I was told just "don't do it like that in a real emergency". Again we hurried through a group exam together, shouting out the answers in unison. Again be careful who you believe can save your life.
The third and final course I attended was "Health and Safety in the Workplace" this was my favourite course of them all, as in my eyes it was the most serious. Most of the guys on my course were there for manual labour jobs and this was the most applicable. In this course we got no work what so ever done, as we had a guest. A woman who was literally insane, who exposed herself numerous times to the amusement of the group. Sharing with us her "foam babies" and stories of being "gotten" in her cell. Her outbursts were comical yet tragic at the same time as she had not been put on any form of disability payment and was therefore in the maze of TWL. She clearly wasn't employable as a blind man could smell his way to her and a she would threaten members of the group with her phone throughout the day. Again the end was followed with an exam paper which we all shouted out the answers for. Of course she was just shouting anything and everything.
Also during the Health and Safety day it appeared we weren't the only ones in the company of someone's outbursts, the front panels of the reception door had been kicked in after a "learner" had not been getting the answers he wanted.
So that was my experience of earning three qualifications over the next week with Job Search in between, the brilliant part of it is, I have yet to receive two of the certificates and have been told when asking for them, I probably won't get them.
So if one day I have to do the GTW course again I will have to sit through all that shit again.
TWL is a truly unbelievable place, it almost has its own currency which are drinks tokens. Miniature gold coins for the hot drink machine. You are strictly rationed to four per day and pretty much have to beg if you are not offered. They have to be authorised. They are usually issued by the chap who sits behind the desk, who is categorically one of the rudest people I have ever met. He never gives you eye contact and will often carry on his own conversations and jokes with staff members whilst he is in conversation with you. The amazing thing is, he is the first aid officer of the building. I often wonder how far through a heart attack or how much my tongue would have to be rammed down my throat before he would get up off his arse and give a shit.
Gateway to Work - Part 1
OK so I will introduce myself as a normal guy who actually needs JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) so any government approved scheme has me by the bollocks. I had been visiting TWL for about eight weeks now and it was time to do my two week "Gateway to Work" course.
I was sat in the main Job Search area on the Friday. I looked into the learning room to see a young man lying on the table holding his phone in his hand blasting some dance music that sounded like a hectic static buzz. I was mortified as the running joke amongst the lecturers was that the course lecturers were super strict.
Arrival
I arrived at the TWL centre at 9 am on the Monday, I was dreading it to be a room full of people exactly like the chap who was lying on the table. But the group seemed OK, Some loose cannons but nothing I wasn't used too after a few weeks of this place.
After a small mole hill of paperwork we were told the strict rules and told that any more then six hours off from the ten day course resulted in dismissal and withdrawal of benefits (grip round balls tightening). Then we got some "good" news, that if we worked hard during the day, we would be allowed to listen to the radio. I don't think anyone in my group was below twenty.
We kicked off with starting about talking as a group, what sector of the workforce we were aiming to be in.
The main chunk of the late morning and afternoon was taken up by "Lateral Thinking" Tests. These had such wonderful questions like "What cheese is MADE backwards" (thats EDAM, for any cheese enthusiasts).
Another brilliant question was "If the Vice President was killed, who would be President?" this seemed to genuinely confuse people and I fell into despair. It became clear that me and another guy were the only people who had pursued further education, so we were the go to guys for the lateral thinking.
The late afternoon we were split into groups and asked to prioritise a list of items, if we crash landed in the desert. I kept looking at "7. 45. Calibre Pistol" and imagined blowing my head off.
Day one ended and I was ready to go home.
CV, Cover Letter, Spec Letter.
Day two was all about CV, Cover letters and Spec letters. This part I was really looking forward to as the lack of replies to my original CV I was hoping too get an insight into a better CV. I needed a few minor amendments but other then that I was good to go and my spec and cover letters where up to standard and impressed the lecturers.
This was at an early stage of the day so I began to feel bored and unrewarded. I then was instructed to look online and in the yellow pages for jobs. I did so but did not make my target so I was in line for a deduction.
Deduction
At the beginning of the course we were told we were entitled to £100 worth of "Love to Shop" Vouchers. These were another form of back bender for them to toy with you. As I proved that I was quite on the ball, they set an unrealistic target for the jobs available. As I did not reach my target some of my vouchers were deducted.
Finished ? Job Hunt!!!
Every time something was finished early we were immediately directed back to the Job Search. Job Search of course was on the painfully slow computers and ragged out of date local newspapers. Which were now in demand with the regular learners (What I did the previous weeks).
Again always being told if our targets weren't met the vouchers were going !
keep reading for Part Two !!!
I was sat in the main Job Search area on the Friday. I looked into the learning room to see a young man lying on the table holding his phone in his hand blasting some dance music that sounded like a hectic static buzz. I was mortified as the running joke amongst the lecturers was that the course lecturers were super strict.
Arrival
I arrived at the TWL centre at 9 am on the Monday, I was dreading it to be a room full of people exactly like the chap who was lying on the table. But the group seemed OK, Some loose cannons but nothing I wasn't used too after a few weeks of this place.
After a small mole hill of paperwork we were told the strict rules and told that any more then six hours off from the ten day course resulted in dismissal and withdrawal of benefits (grip round balls tightening). Then we got some "good" news, that if we worked hard during the day, we would be allowed to listen to the radio. I don't think anyone in my group was below twenty.
We kicked off with starting about talking as a group, what sector of the workforce we were aiming to be in.
The main chunk of the late morning and afternoon was taken up by "Lateral Thinking" Tests. These had such wonderful questions like "What cheese is MADE backwards" (thats EDAM, for any cheese enthusiasts).
Another brilliant question was "If the Vice President was killed, who would be President?" this seemed to genuinely confuse people and I fell into despair. It became clear that me and another guy were the only people who had pursued further education, so we were the go to guys for the lateral thinking.
The late afternoon we were split into groups and asked to prioritise a list of items, if we crash landed in the desert. I kept looking at "7. 45. Calibre Pistol" and imagined blowing my head off.
Day one ended and I was ready to go home.
CV, Cover Letter, Spec Letter.
Day two was all about CV, Cover letters and Spec letters. This part I was really looking forward to as the lack of replies to my original CV I was hoping too get an insight into a better CV. I needed a few minor amendments but other then that I was good to go and my spec and cover letters where up to standard and impressed the lecturers.
This was at an early stage of the day so I began to feel bored and unrewarded. I then was instructed to look online and in the yellow pages for jobs. I did so but did not make my target so I was in line for a deduction.
Deduction
At the beginning of the course we were told we were entitled to £100 worth of "Love to Shop" Vouchers. These were another form of back bender for them to toy with you. As I proved that I was quite on the ball, they set an unrealistic target for the jobs available. As I did not reach my target some of my vouchers were deducted.
Finished ? Job Hunt!!!
Every time something was finished early we were immediately directed back to the Job Search. Job Search of course was on the painfully slow computers and ragged out of date local newspapers. Which were now in demand with the regular learners (What I did the previous weeks).
Again always being told if our targets weren't met the vouchers were going !
keep reading for Part Two !!!
TWL - Christianity missed a trick when describing hell.
OK so I want to describe where I got sent all the way back in August for not being able to find a job. At first I was fairly optimistic as this place was described as "A place where they will focus on you getting a job - with workshops to build your confidence in the employment area".
I was confident, I'm no genius but I am far from thick so I thought I may be noticed and the ball would get well and truly rolling. From the get go I was told I had to attend bang on time or I would be sanctioned or even lose my benefit (I may mention this time and time again, but they love having you by the balls).
I arrived a week early by a mistake on the part of my advisor, and as soon as I walked in I felt the crunch of despair. People with blank faces and no hope. As I left the building, I decided to send double the CVs out that I usually do. To no avail though. No responses. The following Monday I arrived at TWL.
I began my Induction and it was explained that I had to spend four hours a week here. The induction was meant to last two hours but it was condensed into about 45 mins to an hour. They said they would mark it down as two hours though on our "Time Sheets". Yes thats right a Time Sheet. I have to have my time sheet signed or I cannot leave. I left deflated after an afternoon of filling in paper work and people asking things like "Whats forename?".
I returned for my one on one interview, where I was told not to pursue any form of University education as I would only end up back here again. That was two and a half hours of my four hours. The rest I have to burn off on "Job Search".
Job Search
Job Search may sound rewarding, but in TWL it is anything but. Job Search is a room full of people who are sat reading old papers with out of date job listings. The best part is the papers don't advertise jobs that cater for that demographic. The listings are for Financial Advisers, Teachers, Sales Consultants etc.
Along with the local papers are even more dated regional job papers not from this region. Along with Computers that are painfully slow. The computers are like gold dust and users are told that each users movements are tracked. Considering there are no personal accounts this would be an Idle threat.
The mood is glum and the atmosphere is very depressing, amongst the silence of the "learners", a soundtrack of the staffs personal stories/problems/anecdotes are broadcast. Almost reminding the lowly learner of what a real life is. Although where would they be without our pitiful and depending existence ?
I was confident, I'm no genius but I am far from thick so I thought I may be noticed and the ball would get well and truly rolling. From the get go I was told I had to attend bang on time or I would be sanctioned or even lose my benefit (I may mention this time and time again, but they love having you by the balls).
I arrived a week early by a mistake on the part of my advisor, and as soon as I walked in I felt the crunch of despair. People with blank faces and no hope. As I left the building, I decided to send double the CVs out that I usually do. To no avail though. No responses. The following Monday I arrived at TWL.
I began my Induction and it was explained that I had to spend four hours a week here. The induction was meant to last two hours but it was condensed into about 45 mins to an hour. They said they would mark it down as two hours though on our "Time Sheets". Yes thats right a Time Sheet. I have to have my time sheet signed or I cannot leave. I left deflated after an afternoon of filling in paper work and people asking things like "Whats forename?".
I returned for my one on one interview, where I was told not to pursue any form of University education as I would only end up back here again. That was two and a half hours of my four hours. The rest I have to burn off on "Job Search".
Job Search
Job Search may sound rewarding, but in TWL it is anything but. Job Search is a room full of people who are sat reading old papers with out of date job listings. The best part is the papers don't advertise jobs that cater for that demographic. The listings are for Financial Advisers, Teachers, Sales Consultants etc.
Along with the local papers are even more dated regional job papers not from this region. Along with Computers that are painfully slow. The computers are like gold dust and users are told that each users movements are tracked. Considering there are no personal accounts this would be an Idle threat.
The mood is glum and the atmosphere is very depressing, amongst the silence of the "learners", a soundtrack of the staffs personal stories/problems/anecdotes are broadcast. Almost reminding the lowly learner of what a real life is. Although where would they be without our pitiful and depending existence ?
Introductions.
Hi readers
I have started this blog as an insight to our horrible work rehabilitation programmes and benefit system in the United Kingdom.
I will never mention any names in my blog, as that is morally wrong but I will be as honest as possible.
I am going to recount the whole "Gateway to Work" program in the hope that who ever reads this realises what a load of shit it actually is. I am soon to start the "Options" section and although a part of me will definitely die inside, I will be blogging it daily.
I have started this blog as an insight to our horrible work rehabilitation programmes and benefit system in the United Kingdom.
I will never mention any names in my blog, as that is morally wrong but I will be as honest as possible.
I am going to recount the whole "Gateway to Work" program in the hope that who ever reads this realises what a load of shit it actually is. I am soon to start the "Options" section and although a part of me will definitely die inside, I will be blogging it daily.
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