Gateway To Work - Part 2

OK, so after I have received the thrilling news a funeral parlour in St Helens (which I live no where near) has a clerical vacancy - three weeks ago, it was time to move on to the next sector of the course.

courses

Now these courses were to gain me and the others some skills for our CVs. The first course I attended was "Food Hygiene" now I learnt a lot from this. If you ever want to know about why crisps are tasteless if their is no gas in the bag or that beans are cooked in their cans in the factories, I am your man.
Now your probably thinking "Be quiet you scrounger, they government are teaching you skills". You weren't there, Shut up and I will carry on. A "course" on Food Hygiene is sitting in front of a power point presentation listening to anecdote after anecdote of the instructors personal experiences many not relevant. Then a the finishing touch of the exam. A thirty question multiple choice exam which we go through together to "ensure" a 100% pass rate. Food proprietors be careful your next employ could be the chap who scratching his balls and texting on his phone.
The next course I attended was First Aid. Again a mixture of anecdotes of domestic heroism and saving the day with the recovery position etc. I was happy at first as this was a more practical based course and I was learning about CPR and bandage tying. I am lousy at tying knots etc yet managed to pass it as I was told just "don't do it like that in a real emergency". Again we hurried through a group exam together, shouting out the answers in unison. Again be careful who you believe can save your life.

The third and final course I attended was "Health and Safety in the Workplace" this was my favourite course of them all, as in my eyes it was the most serious. Most of the guys on my course were there for manual labour jobs and this was the most applicable. In this course we got no work what so ever done, as we had a guest. A woman who was literally insane, who exposed herself numerous times to the amusement of the group. Sharing with us her "foam babies" and stories of being "gotten" in her cell. Her outbursts were comical yet tragic at the same time as she had not been put on any form of disability payment and was therefore in the maze of TWL. She clearly wasn't employable as a blind man could smell his way to her and a she would threaten members of the group with her phone throughout the day. Again the end was followed with an exam paper which we all shouted out the answers for. Of course she was just shouting anything and everything.

Also during the Health and Safety day it appeared we weren't the only ones in the company of someone's outbursts, the front panels of the reception door had been kicked in after a "learner" had not been getting the answers he wanted.

So that was my experience of earning three qualifications over the next week with Job Search in between, the brilliant part of it is, I have yet to receive two of the certificates and have been told when asking for them, I probably won't get them.
So if one day I have to do the GTW course again I will have to sit through all that shit again.

TWL is a truly unbelievable place, it almost has its own currency which are drinks tokens. Miniature gold coins for the hot drink machine. You are strictly rationed to four per day and pretty much have to beg if you are not offered. They have to be authorised. They are usually issued by the chap who sits behind the desk, who is categorically one of the rudest people I have ever met. He never gives you eye contact and will often carry on his own conversations and jokes with staff members whilst he is in conversation with you. The amazing thing is, he is the first aid officer of the building. I often wonder how far through a heart attack or how much my tongue would have to be rammed down my throat before he would get up off his arse and give a shit.